“Knowing me knowing you – aha”. The catchphrase used by Steve Coogan’s character Alan Partridge, the Norwich-based talk show host. But let’s put aside thoughts of comedy for now, along with the lyrics of the 1977 Abba hit single of the same name.
Knowing me, knowing you is a concept that has come to make perfect sense to me. It works just as well the other way round too – knowing you, knowing me.
In the last 16 years or so, I have found it necessary to face up to a lot of things about my self in order to elicit change and growth – become more self-aware if you like. When I say self-aware I mean aware of my ego which I learned was completely separate from my Self. Through no deliberate intent, I have operated from an egoic stance for most of my (quite long) life. I still do a lot of the time – after all it’s the way most of us are shown how to respond to the world around us, from the earliest age.
During this transitionary period from 100% ego to 95% ego / 5% self (slow progress), I have sought out books, gurus and groups where similar seekers can be found. The Wellbeing Forum was one of these groups. At the close of the forum we would be led in a beautiful meditation and over time I have repeatedly heard these words, “There is only You”, and “Notice…notice who is noticing?” And, “If you find yourself thinking that first thought and you’re aware of it – then who is the watcher?” I never understood these expressions until recently. At last, I’m beginning to feel that slight breeze between me and my egoic thoughts. It’s the start – I’m sure of that.
So, where does knowing me, knowing you fit into this? I wanted to find out who I am – what makes me tick – to pin down the egoic character traits that so often trigger reactive responses to people places and things. It was hard at first to look at myself. Denial, defensive arrogance and shame can be big barriers to honestly taking stock.
Years ago, a good friend gave me an excellent piece of advice. She said, “you know how easy it is to find fault with others? List the things about them that drive you mad. It can be a huge help in learning about yourself.”
“Really?’
“Really – they say that whatever irritates you about the other person is a behaviour that you either use yourself or used to use – so listing those will help you get to know yourself.”
And that’s how it began – knowing me, knowing you.
Because I wanted to treat myself more gently than I have in the past, I took time to explore the roots of my negative behaviours – to trace them back to source. This was done without blame attached – finding historical fault was not the reason for doing this. It’s worth adding that when I did take the trouble to find out more about the past experiences of my family of origin, I was better able to see that blaming would be a pointless exercise.
Knowing them, knowing me. Knowing me, knowing them.
As time has gone by, I have also felt able to notice all the things I like so much about the increasing circle of newer friends around me and to realise that perhaps I have the capacity for those positive behaviours too. In doing this I have become more aware of my True Self.
So – more knowing you, knowing me.
Along with the capacity to recognise my positive qualities mirrored in you has come the ability to find compassion and understanding for not only my own seemingly unhelpful behaviours but also for those same behaviours that I can find so troublesome and irritating in others that I meet.
Knowing me, accepting me, knowing more about you, accepting you.
-Caroline Gibbs
Solihull
